Culture

Including a military cargo plane, a herd of moose and a Pop-Tart.

A Complete List of Everything That Gets Smashed, Blown up and/or Eaten in Rampage

If you never got to experience the joys of playing Rampage growing up, I’ll do my best to summarize the game: basically, you play as a giant King Kong-like gorilla, a giant Godzilla-like lizard, or a giant werewolf (to throw King Kong and Godzilla’s IP lawyers off the scent, naturally), and attempt to smash up a bunch of buildings and eat people and special items while the Army shoots at you.

In the movie version of Rampage that comes out this week, there’s a giant gorilla, lizard and wolf, sure. But because movies need pesky things like “characters” and a “plot,” it’s also got a giant human being called The Rock, who plays an ex-Army-Special-Forces-Ranger-turned-gorilla-whisperer who works at the San Diego Zoo caring for his only true friend, an albino gorilla named George who fist bumps, understands sign language, and knows how to bro down. But then George goes and gets infected with a toxic gas that makes him super-sized, super-aggressive and suddenly want to smash a bunch of tall buildings for no good reason.

The culprits behind all this? An evil corporation experimenting with cutting-edge genetic editing in order to create giant, aggro mutant animals for reasons that go completely unexplained. Or maybe just because they’re big fans of the video game.1

And all due respect to The Rock, a walking IRL action hero, but Rampage ends up being the most disappointing breed of video game movies—one that takes the title, a few key elements, and pays lip service to the source material without actually keying in on what made it so fun to play (i.e. that the monsters eat toilets and shrink back into tiny naked people who then slink off the screen embarrassed after you lose).2

So, in order to pay proper tribute to one of the best arcade smash-‘em-ups of all-time, here’s a definitive list of everything that gets punched, blown up and/or eaten in this new Rampage movie.

  • An entire space station, along with its crew of scientists
  • A scale model of said space station
  • A big mutant rat
  • A teenage gorilla that’s just trying to impressive a girl
  • The San Diego Zoo’s expensive-looking, publicly funded ape enclosure
  • Parts of both Yellowstone National Park and Everglades National Park3
  • Three canisters full of a toxic gas that genetically modifies animals’ DNA, I think?
  • Scientific accuracy (This one goes pretty early.)
  • Any semblance of corporate responsibility and/or ethics
  • A grizzly bear
  • An entire wolf pack
  • A small cage
  • A significantly larger cage
  • Various glass doors
  • A very nice mural of smiling gorillas
  • The sign for the San Diego Zoo’s Wildlife Sanctuary
  • A Volkswagen Jetta that was just looking for a good parking spot
  • A herd of moose
  • An entire team of Blackwater-style mercenaries
  • A helicopter
  • Years of concerted conservation efforts to get people to appreciate the majesty of wolves
  • My ability to tell the difference between Joe Manganiello and Jeffrey Dean Morgan, apparently
  • A Pop-Tart (Frosted Strawberry)
  • A Greyhound bus
  • About a dozen cars
  • A team of armed Homeland Security guys
  • An entire military cargo plane
  • Some poor farmer’s cornfield
  • The scenery (Note: This only gets slightly chewed.)
  • A burger from noted Chicago burger chain Schoop’s
  • One of those tiny pretzels they hand out on airplanes4
  • Two seemingly well-meaning members of the military police
  • An abandoned… mine, maybe?
  • An entire team of Army Rangers
  • Tanks, multiple
  • Police cars, multiple
  • A second helicopter
  • Another helicopter
  • A lot of helicopters, OK?
  • One of those Chicago boat tour boats
  • A significant portion of the Illinois National Guard
  • Multiple anonymous office-y looking buildings
  • Downtown Chicago’s only Dave & Busters
  • At least a quarter-mile of the city’s Magnificent Mile
  • Part of an “L” track5
  • A Warthog fighter jet
  • Lots and lots of CGI skyscrapers
  • An entire floor of a generic office building, for absolutely no good reason at all
  • Most of what’s ostensibly Chicago’s Federal Plaza (But in reality, is just an Atlanta soundstage.)
  • At least one cold-hearted corporate villain
  • Any semblance of The Rock as a mortal human being who feels pain
  • About 10% of downtown Chicago, in total
  • All three giant monsters, with varying degrees of effectiveness
  • Long-held theories about the limits of primate intelligence
  • The (metaphorical) walls The Rock’s character put up to keep from getting close to people
  • Absolutely zero toilets, toasters, roast chickens, sticks of dynamite, and/or photographers (Yes, I’m still a little salty about this.)

References   [ + ]

1. No, really. They’ve got more than one of the original Rampage arcade machines in their swanky corner office and dubbed their plan “Project Rampage.” And yet, no one ever calls out—or even seems to notice—how weird and ironic it is that the three animals who get accidentally infected by their illegal DNA splicer ended up being the exact same ones as the ones from the game.
2. You know those movies where our heroes get marched into a closed-off war room because “General, you need to hear what they have to say!” Yeah, this is one of those movies.
3. That’s right, the Rampage filmmakers manage to imperil almost as many national parks as the current U.S. administration.
4. I still have no clue where Jeffrey Dean Morgan’s character got this from.
5. Have I mentioned that this movie takes place in Chicago?