By now we’ve all seen the pictures: yesterday, there was a four-door Honda Civic sedan dangling from a cable under the Leaside Bridge in Toronto. So many questions: How did it get there? Who put it there? What does it want? Title, in association with me, Colin Munch, hit the streets with our patent-pending brand of hard-hitting investigative journalism to peel back the layers of this most mysterious onion.1
I interviewed an eyewitness (me, I witnessed it on the news), a legal expert (also me, I watch a lot of Suits), and a source close to the police (again, me, a friend of mine is a cop in Stittsville) to bring you a list of potential explanations for what that car was doing up there yesterday morning. I think you’ll be pleased with the scientific results I’ve come to.
Obviously some ghosts put that thing up there. It’s the only explanation.2 Probably a family drove off the bridge sometime in the early 2000s and the power of their rage levitated the car so that all would be witness to their fate.
Did you know humans only use 10 percent of their brain? What’s that other 90 percent for? It’s definitely not for controlling all the unbelievably complicated functions of the body. It must be for flashy powers that can only be properly controlled with hand gestures.
Oh OH! I just remembered about Magneto! Yeah, so, this car is obviously some plot by the evil Brotherhood of Mutants3 to reveal themselves to the rest of humanity. What’s the easiest way to get a car to hang from a bridge? MAGNETS.
What’s the easiest way to hang a car from a bridge? MAGNETS. Okay, so, maybe not exactly mutants with the power of magnets, the Master of Magnetism has better things to do than suspend a car from a bridge in Canada,4 but magnets definitely played a role in this. Magnets are nature’s great mystery, and exist only for us to move heavy metal things.
We all know who’s responsible for the bewitching power of the magnet: Engineers. Did some engineering students, proto-Scottys sick of building turrets in Overwatch, stage this as a kind of end-of-year prank? No! This is the most logical explanation so it must be false! Think about it: engineers love logic, so they couldn’t have done this because it’s so obvious they’re trying to throw us off the trail that they didn’t even create. It’s so brilliant only an engineer could have come up with it, which they definitely did not. Clever bastards.
6. Someone Who Hates Engineers
Okay let’s follow this logic. If we’re meant to suspect that engineers, or engineering students, did this as some kind of prank, who benefits most from that suspicion? That’s right: People Who Hate Engineers. Thank you for reading the titles of these. Maybe someone has an axe to grind against engineers. Someone who hates a building, somewhere, or, an out-of-work protractor maker.5
Oh wouldn’t they just?
Everyone knows that Toronto is becoming a major film town because the city’s film industry never stops reminding us. “They shot Robocop (2014) here!” they say, the only people proud of that movie.6 The smoking gun: Police initially confirmed it was for a film shoot. The non-smoking gun: they immediately walked that back when they actually asked if anyone was making a movie and nobody was. Such a twisty plot! What is this? A Christopher Nolan film?!7
9. The Wizard
(Editor: please insert a picture of a wizard here. Not Gandalf, preferably, or Harry Potter. Just a generic, mystical, wizard. If it was up to me, I’d recommend your classic, pointy-hat-with-stars-and-maybe-a-moon-on-it, grey beard, male-identifying, capital-W Wizard. Maybe he’s in the middle of casting a spell and has sparkly dust coming out of his fingertips. Or he’s smoking a long pipe and there’s an animal friend nearby and you’re like, “Ooh, something’s up with that Owl, maybe it’s intelligent.” But you do you, I’m not trying to step on anyone’s toes or anything.)
(Like exactly this. Please, use your discretion, whatever you want, I trust you.)
The truth is we’ll probably never know who suspended that burned-out car from the Leaside Bridge. Whenever I’m faced with a mystery, I ask myself the question “Cui Bono?”—Latin for “To whom is it a benefit?” Many people could potentially benefit from suspending an affordable but roomy family vehicle with exceptional exterior styling. The Civic is low slung and definitely looks like fun, whether on the road or hanging fifteen feet below a major road. It has an aggressive stance, a sporty look and sleek lines that make it stand out, especially if it’s dangling by a thin cable. The 2018 Civic comes standard with LED daytime running lights and available LED headlights, so you can see what you’re doing when you and your nerdy friends are committing a criminal act of public mischief for anonymous glory. With MSRP starting from $16,790, the 2018 Honda Civic is affordable enough for you to buy two! One to drive for the sheer pleasure of driving, the other to immolate the all-leather interior of and suspend from a cheekily narrow cable above a well-traveled bike path.8
Police are baffled. The mayor is concerned. All involved agree on one thing: This was not fun at all and the people involved should be severely punished to the full extent of the law. Creators of whimsy beware: unless you’re sponsored by a major bank and carefully regulated, the City of Toronto wants no part of you. That means you The Wizard.
Photo: Danny Pinto/CTV News
References [ + ]
|1.||↑||Note: I did absolutely no research for this at all. That’s not true, I read one CBC article. I’m not even in Toronto right now.|
|2.||↑||Please read all the other explanations, I get paid by the view.|
|3.||↑||X-Men #4, March 1964.|
|4.||↑||X-Men #104, April 1977.|
|5.||↑||I don’t know what engineers do.|
|6.||↑||Hot take: it’s fine.|
|7.||↑||He would never shoot here.|