Everyone knows that jeans are the coolest pants. They always have been, they always will be. I don’t want to get into a whole thing comparing jeans to other kinds of pants, but we can do a quick rundown of the candidates:
Khakis are for dads, cords are for kids, dress pants are only nice as part of an ensemble, and I only put parachute pants there as a really obvious joke. Nobody wears parachute pants anymo—
If jeans are the coolest things you can put on your legs, then denim jackets are the coolest things you can put on your arms-and-chest-and-back.2 There are some people who will tell you that combining blue jeans with a blue denim jacket is really cool but those people are bad and wrong. It’s possible to pull this look off but you have to already look like Ryan Gosling underneath and in that case, it really doesn’t matter what you sheath yourself in. An exception to the no-denim-on-denim rule is if you chop the sleeves off your jacket and roll your pack of cigarettes up into your shirtsleeve. If that’s you, then stay golden, Ponyboy.
I also highly suggest you don’t ever do your denim jacket up, since leaving it loose and open tells the world you:
a) Have nothing to hide
b) DGAF about the wind.
Keeping your jacket open is way cool and I can’t think of anyone that would look better with it closed than op-
So let’s pretend we’re having a conversation about what kind of jacket you might want to wear. You pitch me some jackets, and I’ll give you some helpful, measured advice on why a denim jacket is a better alternative.
YOU: I could wear this leather jacket.
ME: Great, start with a classic. So, here’s what you think you’ll look like:
And here’s what you’ll actually look like:
A leather jacket is the “traditional” cool jacket in the same way that “traditional” marriage is an excuse for idiots to hate gay people. I totally get the appeal of a jacket that is also road armour, in a Mad Max/Dungeons & Dragons kind of way, but that’s a very specific use-case. If that’s your argument in favour of leather jackets then I’m forced to assume you’re also a fan of superbike jackets, with their ridiculous ’80s shoulder pads, armor plating, and shark decals, and I just don’t know what to say to that.
How about instead you wear:
YOU: Okay, well, what about this blazer?
ME: Sure, yeah, here’s probably what you’re going for:
But here’s what you’ll actually look like:
Am I saying you’ll look like a baby if you wear a blazer over a short-sleeved shirt? No, not necessarily, but why take the risk? Especially when this tiny child is providing a perfectly safe and chill alternative right on his wee lil legs. Also, this kid is maybe 5 and is demonstrating a major issue with the blazer. Namely, “Am I supposed to button this thing up or what?” That’s on instinct alone! He’s obviously distracted by something just outside the frame, perhaps a better, cooler jacket his mom is dangling just out of reach. I bet I know what kind of jacket it is…
YOU: You’re being really aggressive about this, and I want you know I don’t appreciate it. What if I wore this shearling jacket?
ME: K, I’m gonna skip the “What you’ll look like in your head” part of this one, because you’ve already selected an image here with a model who looks like a full-on serial killer. Instead, I’ll substitute my own image for guys in shearling coats:
Let me ask you a question: Are you Bane? Because if you’re not Bane, you have no business in a shearling coat. Shearling coats were absolutely 100 percent not cool until Tom Hardy wore one and again we’re circling back to the Ryan Gosling argument. Take a look at that picture again. Really look at it. Does that man look comfortable? No, he doesn’t. He looks like that coat is eating him alive, like some kind of fluffy, inside-out snake. If you absolutely crave the feeling of wool on your neck, I have a helpful alternative for you:
YOU: But sometimes you need a raincoat…
ME: Okay, I hear you. Sometimes, yeah, it rains. And sometimes, yes, I get it, you don’t want to be wet. Listen, pal. Fair. Enough. But have you considered that when denim gets wet it turns a darker shade of blue?!
YOU: But what if I’m going to a wedd-
YOU: My best friend’s mom just passed away and I need something to wear to the funer-
YOU: Okay, you need to leave.
YOU: I’m calling the police.
ME: Okay, okay. Relax, geez, I’m just trying to point out that denim jackets are really cool and go with everything. I’m sorry.
References [ + ]
|1.||↑||Yeah I know these are technically “harem” pants, but that name is just awful and I won’t use it.|
|2.||↑||I also think “torso” is a gross word. Torso.|
|3.||↑||Super Nerds will know that Michael B. Jordan is wearing harem pants in this scene. Proof there are exceptions to every rule.|